FINE. I'll post already!
If you are one of those people who splodges a bit of cleansing milk on - rubs it into your eyes frantically - and then splashes it off with a sink full of water - fear not - help is at hand. No doubt your skin does not look its best - and you may not even be aware of the fact.
Firstly - a moment on cleansing - get thee to an oil-based cleanser - NOW. Like attracts like - oil in your cleanser will attract all of the oil/dirt/excess sebum on your skin and will carry it away with it when you wipe it off. And I am talking about a non-mineral oil cleanser here people. Mineral oil is (ridiculously)cheap, nasty, has no benefits to the skin and no place in skincare in 2010 and you should not be wiping it all over your best asset. Companies who still use it should be taken outside, lined up and drowned in a VAT of Vaseline.
My current cleanser of choice is Emma Hardie - lovely balm that massages beautifully and leaves no residue.. Use a fresh cloth that has been held under a running tap to wipe away the cleanser - rinse and repeat until all traces of make-up are gone and you can see no product on your face. I have a cupboard full of muslin cloths but never use them - my current cloth of choice is 4 for £2 in Primark. Yes. Really.
If you still use a cleansing milk - 1956 rang - it would like its cleanser back.
If you use wipes - quite frankly - I'm astonished you have the audacity to show your in-need-of-a-bloody-good-exfoliation face around here - but welcome nonetheless.
This is not a lecture on how to cleanse - I don't do lecturing - I do straight talk nagging. Just be thankful you haven't previously approached me on a counter and told me you 'just use soap'.
So - specifically for my Lippie Worthy Vexing Lady Wheat Make-up girls (see what I did there!) - please see below - my bullying guide on how to bash the living bejesus out of your face - for the greater good.
You can do either as part of your cleanse or when you've already cleansed and are applying an oil or balm before bed. Don't use too much product for the massage - remember always -GRIP not SLIP!
Snippets of this will also come in very handy when you are suffering from hayfever or getting over a cold etc...see below..
Stage 1: Assume the position below - with both hands!
Place both hands onto your face at the chubbiest part of your cheeks like SO:
No it's not attractive (have you SEEN my nose) - but I'm not asking you to do it on the No.7 bus so get with it.
Move your fingers in a circular motion WITHOUT lifting them off the skin - if you are doing this properly you should be making (quite rude) squelching noises involuntarily AND it should be uncomfortable (hurt). Do this until you feel like it is doing something but at least for a couple of minutes - it will start to feel easier and less painful.. move up the face and repeat at the sides of your ears, sides of your nose - knead like there is no tomorrow. In an ideal world do this for a good few minutes before...
Moving up to your eyes - place the pads of fingers 1, 2 and 3 underneath your eyebrows and push upwards and outwards (similar to what you would do if you had a migraine/hangover depending on whether you have 4 kids/some sort of social life.. ) and hold and push down for a repeat of about 3-4...place the same fingers underneath the eye on the orbital bone and smooth outwards and up so that all fingers are resting on the temple - and push down for a repeat of 3-4.
This is the BEST if you are prone to puffiness/headaches/computer eyes etc.. repeat the moves as much as you need to but at least 5 times...
Stage 2: Place your first 2 fingers in the hollow under your cheekbone and massage gently
This will be really painful if you are suffering from a cold/hayfever - but will equally ease the blocked nose/throat symptoms if you gently persevere. Massage gently and move up onto and along your cheekbone - and repeat as before..
For shifting the toxins that gather on your face (and that you have just woken up with all of the above) - try the below - ideally you should do this every night with your cleanse - think of your chin and jaw as the dustbin of your face - all of your toxins will be sitting here just minding their own business - making you look dull and most importantly droopy! - time to send them on their merry way (do NOT under any circumstances do this sequence of movements if you suffer from an auto-immune disease, any kind of cancer or simply feel like you are coming down with the flu..).
Stage 3: Place your fingers on your jaw like so:
Grip the underside and topside of your chin/jawline firmly and DDDRRRAAAGGGGGG your fingers backwards towards the underside of your ear like so:
Keep your grip tight ladies - look at those cheeks being bumped out of the way!!
When your fingers reach the end of your jawline and drop into the hollow under your earlobe (your lymph node) - pump gently for a count of 3-4.
Repeat Stage 3 until you start to feel heat generating - you will go pink - which is the whole point - stimulating the blood flow to get things moving....
This can all be done in 5 minutes flat or over the course of your favourite TV show whilst making cups of tea in-between. The point is: make it a habit - your face will thank you for it and because if you don't.. well.... you KNOW how I can nag...